Lolita Espionage
by evenstar1791
Summary: Written w/NT: Ed's out of options for disguises on undercover missions.
1. The Sadistic Mustangs

**1- The Sadistic(?) Mustangs**

So this is another story that Nakira and I are writing together. It's not going to be very long or anything…and I think you may be able to tell the main plot point just from the story's title. I think that's all…oh! There is an OC in this story, but she's only like a side character. **There is no purpose for her character than driving Roy crazy…and a side of creepy sadistic alchemy later on (you'll see what I mean when it gets to it).**

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The door to Colonel Mustang's office was standing wide open when Ed stormed over. He paused a moment when he saw that it was open. He'd known that nothing good was up when Mustang had called earlier, but this just had him even more worried—it was always a worse job than usual if Mustang had the door open, _always_. He shook off his worry and stomped into the room. Then he saw the look of childish glee and sadism on Mustang's face.

"You said an undercover investigation on the phone, right?"

"Yep." Ed slammed a poster on the desk—a composite of all of his disguises. He hated undercover work and it always ended up with him getting caught and him and Al nearly killed—not that it mattered to the sadistic overlord known as Roy Mustang.

"Can't do that when these things are all over the country!" If he was lucky, Mustang would let him off the hook.

"Well, I have a solution for that." But he was almost never lucky. Nothing good would come of this.

"Okay…?" He asked, raising an eyebrow. Mustang opened a drawer in his desk and pulled out something…not that Ed had any idea what it was. Whatever it was, it looked painful—there were metal bars between strips of fabric on it.

"New disguises~!"

"Uh…what's that?" And what did it have to do with disguises? Ed didn't get it at all.

"You don't know what this is?" He shook his head a little.

"Nope."

"Winry doesn't wear these?" His eyes went wide.

"Not that I know of…what is it?"

"…Did your mom wear one?" Okay, it had something to do with women.

"I DON'T KNOW! What the hell is it?" Mustang sighed—like it was something obvious. Yeah right.

"It's a corset, Fullmetal, a corset. Women wear them to make themselves look thinner." He was kind of scared to ask just exactly what that had to do with the supposed new disguises—it'd be just Ed's luck that Mustang was about to try and make him dress up like a girl in frilly clothes.

"And…what does that have to do with 'new disguises'…?" Without answering, Mustang got up and grabbed Ed's arm, pulling him into another room. It wouldn't have been so bad with that iron grip if it wasn't his _real_ arm! "Hey! Ow!" He rubbed his shoulder, looking warily around the room. The door shut and a lock tumbled ominously.

He immediately started making a plan to transmute a new door to escape. He was willing to do a lot of things for his lunatic superior, but he drew the line at putting on that uber-frilly dress! He wouldn't even want to wear the ruffled undershirt on the other mannequin—the actual _dress_ was blue and white and outrageously frilly. "No. No. I am _not_ wearing a dress!"

"It's the only thing that people would never suspect you to be wearing." Mustang sighed, then literally started trying to strip Ed.

"Hey! Stop that!" He pushed the colonel away and grabbed his shirt—which was the only thing Mustang had managed to get off of him.

"You don't have a choice, Ed." He sighed, pinning Ed to the wall. He gasped in surprise at the assault—and also at the strange tingle that went through his body at Mustang actually using his name.

"Why is the dress so frilly…?"

"Because if it wasn't frilly, it wouldn't make sense for you to wear the corset. And the corset is the only thing that will hide the fact that you're a guy." He said that like it was obvious. Ed didn't even know how to wear the stupid thing!

"…Fine." He sighed after a moment. Mustang stepped back, releasing him.

"Okay then."

"I can't believe I'm letting you do this to me…" He groaned, stripping down to his boxers. He didn't really have a choice since if he kept arguing about it, Mustang would probably do something even worse than _just_ make him wear the dress. And then the weird baggy shorts came out of a bag on the floor.

"Put these on." He took the shirt and eyes the shorts warily.

"Uh…"

"Unless you want to wear _panties_, you'll put that one on." Ed's eyes went wide.

"You wouldn't…!"

"Those are your options. Panties or the bloomers." He groaned and put the shirt and 'bloomers' on—he still saw them as weird baggy shorts.

"I'm gonna kill you next chance I get…"

"Save the threats for until after the job's done." He laughed. "Arms out." Ed scowled and held his arms up. Mustang put the corset around his torso and he braced himself. Somehow he got the feeling that this was going to hurt. And it did. He gasped in pain as Mustang tightened the cords on the back and it constricted his breathing.

"Ow…!" After what seemed forever, Mustang stopped tugging on the cords and tightening the damned thing and went to get something out of that bag of torture devices. "W-What are you getting this time…?"

"These." He held up two decent sized balls—probably about the same size as his teacher's…chest. He silently prayed for Hawkeye to come in and kick the colonel out—at least she would be gentle and try not to embarrass the shit out of him.

XX

Roy waited impatiently for Hawkeye to come out of the other room. She'd taken over right before he tried to get Ed into the dress. He was a little disappointed that it was taking so long. She was probably trying to keep from embarrassing Ed. And that was where the fun was in this! He was unduly excited about the prospect of seeing Ed all decked out in a dress. The door opened and Hawkeye stepped out with a sigh.

"Well?" He was surprised at how excited his voice sounded.

"He refuses to come out." She answered tiredly. Well, his sister would be getting there in a moment or two, so maybe she could manage to get Ed out of the room so they could go to the train station and get moving. His office door was still open, and he saw the wide skirt of her dress before he saw her come through the door.

"You called, Colonel Mustang?" Her tone was nothing less than condescending—and with good reason since he'd asked her to come to his office instead of meeting them at the train station like she'd intended.

"Oh, Thalia. Thank you for coming."

"Not a problem." She grinned, straightening her skirt. Ed probably would have been glad that it had been Roy rather than his eccentric Brigadier General of a twin sister who picked out the dresses for this job. "The mission detail?"

"Here." He held out a bundle of papers for her and she took them, absently touching the chain around her neck that she kept her pocket watch on.

"Ah…" She gave him a look that had him wondering if he'd left something out when he'd originally sent the information to her. He got up, thinking of a way to get away from her without being rude or seeming a coward.

"I'll be right back…" He smirked, heading for the other room to check on Ed. The kid made a cute girl. "Aw~! You look so pretty~!" He received a glare—

which for some reason only made Ed look even cuter.

"Go away."

"Don't be like that…"

"Excuse me, Colonel. I don't think it's fair of you to ask me to take on a job without introducing me to…" Thalia entered the room partially and blinked at Ed. "You…must be Edward Elric?"

"Oops…" He'd forgotten to give Ed the details of the job when Hawkeye took over. Ed stared in open shock—probably a mix of being surprised at her presence and how closely she resembled Roy. They were identical twins, after all.

"W-What the hell?" Thalia fully entered the room.

"Hi. I'm Thalia Mustang. Also known as the Scarlet Alchemist. Colonel Idiot didn't give you the heads up about me?"

"It slipped my mind. He hasn't looked over the mission detail yet, Thalia."

"Mustang…?" Ed groaned.

"Maybe you should step out, Colonel?" he nodded a little.

"Okay, but only because I know you don't like men, Thalia." He sighed, leaving the room. Thalia laughed as he stepped through the door.

"It's a wonder we're siblings. He's such an idiot it's not even funny." This was going to be an interesting trip, to say the least.

XX

Ed laughed a little as he and Thalia chatted. She was surprisingly easy to get along with—despite being the colonel's sister. He was also practicing a feminine voice—much to his dismay. He glanced at the colonel to see that he was completely shocked. Was it _that_ surprising that Ed was getting along with Thalia?

"Well, that's the best part of it all. He acts like _he's_ the one who gave _me_ the orders, when _I'm_ the one who gave _him_ the orders to include me in this." She laughed. That meant that she was a higher rank than her brother.

"So what's your rank then?"

"She's a Brigadier General." Mustang sighed before Thalia had the chance to respond.

"He's sour because we're twins and I'm a higher rank than him." She laughed. "It's worse because I'm ten minutes _younger_ than him."

"Shut up, Thalia." She laughed again.

"Nope." Ed laughed as well. Seeing that Thalia was apparently the complete opposite of her brother made the prospect of staying in the same hotel as _two_ Mustangs a bit easier to handle.

"Okay. This might be a bit more pleasant than I thought."

"I know, right?" Thalia agreed and her brother groaned, leaning back in his seat with a book. Honestly, Ed wasn't really all that upset about the _idea_ of the trip…it was the dressing like a girl thing he had a problem with. It was kind of nice to be going on a trip without Al…a change of pace so to speak.

XX

"I'm going to go ahead. You wake up Ed." Thalia said lightly when the train pulled into the station. Roy nodded once and she walked off. He looked at Ed, who was sleeping peacefully. He almost didn't want to wake him up, but he had to. So, he reached over to gently shake Ed's shoulder.

"Hey. We're here." He woke slowly.

"Oh…okay…" He stood and gathered his things. "Where's Thalia?"

"She's already heading for the exit." He sighed, watching Ed carefully. With those heels on, there was no telling if the boy would stumble or fall.

"Oh…" Sure enough, two steps away from the seat, Ed stumbled a little. Roy steadied him.

"You okay?" he nodded in response.

"Yea…just haven't gotten used to the shoes yet…"

"Right…you want some help?"

"No…I'm fine." He started walking again. Roy sighed a little and followed closely.

XX

The moment they got into the hotel suite, Ed went to one of the beds and lay down. He was so exhausted he didn't even care that he was still wearing the dress and the corset. He just wanted to sleep.

"Uh…you may want to get out of that outfit first…" Mustang started.

"And have to endure you tying me up in it again when I get up in a couple of hours? No thank you." He rolled over and further ignored them both.

XX

"He's so cute." Thalia laughed. "Don't you think?" Roy grabbed the binoculars out of his bag and pulled a chair to the window, trying to ignore her. "You like him. Don't you?"

"Why would I like him? I'm not homosexual like you, Sis." He sighed, sitting down and looking out the window with the binoculars. Thalia laughed, leaning on the back of his chair.

"You don't have to be homosexual to like someone. Why did you go to all the trouble of getting that little wardrobe together? Surely not just so this job could get done…?" He frowned.

"Go away."

"I don't have to. I'm the superior officer here." She joked, going into the other room of the suite. It didn't matter what his sister's ideas on the rules of romance. He had no problem with her liking women, but it just felt wrong to him to even consider developing feelings for a guy. He shook his head and spotted a group of women walking by on the other side of the street.

XX

The next evening, Ed and Thalia returned to the hotel after doing some research. Sure enough, Roy was perched in his chair by the window, watching women go by on the street. Thalia laughed a little, seeing an opportunity to drive her brother crazy. She snatched the binoculars from him and Ed closed the blinds. Ed glared at Roy almost comically and Thalia had to resist laughing hysterically at her brother's expression.

"What? Give me the binoculars back!"

"Don't you think there are more important matters at hand?" They asked together. Roy shuddered a little—much to Thalia's delight, she loved seeing her brother squirm.

"Okay…you two are starting to creep me out with how well you get along…"

"You'll get over it." Thalia laughed. She could also tell that he was more than a little troubled by something—probably about Ed since he was studiously avoiding looking at the boy for more than a second or two at a time.

"The report." Ed handed him a bundle of papers—they'd deliberately gone through and wrote down every minute detail of their day, including what time they went to the bathroom and how long they were in there each time, just to annoy the hell out of Roy. Roy looked the pages over, grimacing and occasionally squirming in his seat. Unfortunately, he didn't comment on the joke.

"A 'magic act'?" They both nodded.

"That's what the rumors are pointing to. Not that we didn't know that one to begin with." Thalia sighed. She was really disappointed he hadn't reacted to all the gross, girly details.

"It could be alchemy."

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So tell me what you think! I'm trying to talk Nakira into drawing a picture of the trio…but she's leery about trying to draw Roy…she doesn't think she's very good with drawing guys (which is why her comic involves absolutely no male characters as of yet…)


	2. NOTICE

Moving to DeviantArt~! Preexisting posts here will remain, but anything new will be found at .com

Stories with mature content (Pretty much all of them) will require a DeviantArt account to view so I can keep maturity filters correct. Go watch me there and keep an eye out~!

I'm doing this to satisfy my own beliefs as there is no mature content filter on . My preexisting stories will also be available in edited versions on DeviantArt, so feel free to read those and tell me what you think.


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